Wednesday, March 31, 2010


Well I went to the Dr. yesterday and explained my symptoms and how I haven't been able to be out of bed for more than 6 hours per day and that is a good day! Also how I have had migraines everyday. I just feel like my legs and arms weigh 100 pounds each and it is all I can do to jsut walk around, let alone try to do my job! Oh and the short term memory loss really sucks! Poor Aaron has to repeat himself either I don't remember what he said or I don't remember asking my questions! All my test results from my pcp were normal, no mono, thyroid level normal and also blood panel and a bunch of other tests. So he agreed with me that this is all symptoms from my Lupron injections. He agreed that 3 more months of this would just be pure torture and that is not a good idea. He said I will probably feel like crap for a few more weeks and also gave me some estrogen pills to try to give me back more energy. I started those yesterday and already feel better today, or is this just a good day? I will probably start making estrogen around the middle of this month, but could feel residual effects for a few months after due to the way it compounded in my system and got worse each month. So we agreed that this shot in March was my last one. We are hoping that this was all I needed to get my infertility taken care of along with the surgery I had in July. So as soon as I get my period back and other fertility signs we will be hitting the TTC hard! So I at least have the end in sight from this Hell I have been living in. I really need to feel better, I need to get back to work and make some money. I have 2 partys to plan and pay for in June, my sisters graduation party from dental hygiene and my mother-in-laws surprise 50th birthday party. Not to mention my grandmothers surprise 90th birthday party is April 24th and I am in charge of the decorations. Both of the June partys are at my house so that has to be in order, and my two older sisters are comming in from out of state for both the April and June parties and will be staying at my house, so needless to say I have wayyyy too much to do to be sick and in bed! Well hopefully this will be a quick recovery from the brink of death, at least thats how it felt! WOO HOO the end is in sight!!!!!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Is this over yet??

This sucks!!! I want out. I feel like a foreigner inside my own body. I am not happy at all. I just want out!! My head hurts everyday and I am soooo tired. I have missed so much work and at this point wouldn't be surprised if I lost my job tomorrow. I want to sleep 12-14 hours a day. I have hot flashes almost every hour. I am having a little anxiety that started after I started the antidepressant, it has diminished as the level of medication has evened out in my body. The thing that hasn't changed yet is my depression. I am so unhappy. I know I have a great life and a wonderful husband and a job others would love to have, but I am still unhappy. I am still sad when i hear things, see things, think of things, and now to top it all off I am depressed about feeling horrible. I hate myself for having migraines, I hate that I can't just ignore them and go to work, I hate that I don't want to go to work. I think that my thyroid level is low again and my synthroid need increased also. I have an appointment with a new PCP on Friday, but with the disappointment of my last PCP I am not holding my breath that this one will make me any better. I just don't know what is causing what. Is it depression, menopause, hypothyroid, or what?? I just wish it would all just go away and I would feel normal, no migraines everyday, no hot flashes, no total exhaustion, just normal. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just take a bottle of pills and call it a night....or a life. I would never do it, but i can't help but think it would be easier than living life like this for ever and putting my poor husband through this. He is so awesome and deserves so much more. Like to be the father he always wanted to be.... But I guess I just have to deal with the hand I was dealt. At this point I am almost half way through this menopause, I took my third shot on Saturday so I feel like if I give up now I will have done this all for nothing. At the very least I hope I will come out of this with no job and having felt like total shit for 6 months, but my fertility will be reestablished and I will be able to start the family I have always wanted. But i guess it could always be worse. Sorry, this ends my pitty party.

Monday, March 8, 2010


Last week was a real killer. I had a horrible migraine the whole week. I missed almost the whole week from work. I went to the Chiropractor twice last week! I also broke down and called my OB/GYN and asked for an antidepressant. I just feel sad all the time, tears spring to my eyes from t.v. commercials, the radio, things people say, even my own thoughts. I also would rather stay in bed all day than do anything at all. So I think that I just need this to get me through this time in my life. The hot flashes are about the same, I get them up to once every 45min but then also will go up to 3 hours without one. I still get them more at night, but taking Ambien helps me to not wake up with every one. So far my sweet husband has been dealing well with my mood swings and down right bitchiness! Just 3 and a half more months of this.Thank God!