Monday, March 15, 2010

Is this over yet??

This sucks!!! I want out. I feel like a foreigner inside my own body. I am not happy at all. I just want out!! My head hurts everyday and I am soooo tired. I have missed so much work and at this point wouldn't be surprised if I lost my job tomorrow. I want to sleep 12-14 hours a day. I have hot flashes almost every hour. I am having a little anxiety that started after I started the antidepressant, it has diminished as the level of medication has evened out in my body. The thing that hasn't changed yet is my depression. I am so unhappy. I know I have a great life and a wonderful husband and a job others would love to have, but I am still unhappy. I am still sad when i hear things, see things, think of things, and now to top it all off I am depressed about feeling horrible. I hate myself for having migraines, I hate that I can't just ignore them and go to work, I hate that I don't want to go to work. I think that my thyroid level is low again and my synthroid need increased also. I have an appointment with a new PCP on Friday, but with the disappointment of my last PCP I am not holding my breath that this one will make me any better. I just don't know what is causing what. Is it depression, menopause, hypothyroid, or what?? I just wish it would all just go away and I would feel normal, no migraines everyday, no hot flashes, no total exhaustion, just normal. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just take a bottle of pills and call it a night....or a life. I would never do it, but i can't help but think it would be easier than living life like this for ever and putting my poor husband through this. He is so awesome and deserves so much more. Like to be the father he always wanted to be.... But I guess I just have to deal with the hand I was dealt. At this point I am almost half way through this menopause, I took my third shot on Saturday so I feel like if I give up now I will have done this all for nothing. At the very least I hope I will come out of this with no job and having felt like total shit for 6 months, but my fertility will be reestablished and I will be able to start the family I have always wanted. But i guess it could always be worse. Sorry, this ends my pitty party.

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